**Warning: potential spoilers**
Well, I saw Transformers last night. Anybody that knows me knows how much of a fan I am. Not the typical "Hey, I had that blue tape deck guy when I was a kid" type of fan. I own hundreds of the toys from every series, from G1 to Beast Wars to Armada and even the new movie stuff. I own all the comics - the entire Marvel run, all of Dreamwave and now IDW. Transformers are to me what Superman or X-Men are to other people. They were my childhood heroes.
Even though I hate Michael Bay's movies, I defended the decision to hire him. If you want big action, he's the guy. I defended all the changes made to the look of the robots. It seemed to make sense for the sake of realism. None of the things bothering most people seemed like a big deal to me. I was determined to see this movie with the most open mind possible.
Well, the joke's on me.
You know that guy you work with or that relative of yours that likes to take your action figures and put them all in sexually suggestive poses while you're not looking? That's what this movie felt like.
When one of the "funny" moments includes one of the most loved and revered Autobots, Bumblebee, taking a piss on someone, you know you've fallen face down into the filthy, waste-encrusted gutter that is Hollywood. But the thing is, you think they would ever allow Spiderman or Batman to ever take a piss on someone? Of course not. Because it comes down to respect.... respect for the source material, and the filmmakers clearly had none. Well, unless their source material was American Pie, then I congratulate them on a job well done.
Sure, they paid a lot of lip service, and having Peter Cullen back was great and all, but when the first line out of Jazz's mouth is "What's crackin' bitches?" you have to wonder if Bay and co. even get what Transformers is about. The priority seemed to be about going for the cheap laugh and making sure the MTV crowd thought it was cool by throwing in the words "bitch" and "ho" as much as possible. (and judging by all the braying jackasses in the audience, it worked)
And if the endless string of pop culture references weren't bad enough (Haha! Optimus Prime said "ebay!"), there were countless juvenile and embarrassing sex jokes. I realize the movie was PG-13, but there's a time and a place for that stuff, and it's not in a movie based on a children's toy line. Having to sit there with my 9 year old son while the main characters openly talked about masturbation was not a pleasant experience. Once again, thank you, Hollywood, for making my job as a parent soooo much easier.
What else can be said? Some of the action was okay, but most of the time you couldn't tell who was fighting who or what the heck was going on. The Autobots were played mostly for laughs and you never got a real sense of any kind of comradarie or history between them. Even when Jazz is killed, no one mourns, Prime just holds up the remaining pieces of his body and basically says "Bummer. Jazz is dead. But hey! At least we've got some new human friends!" Oh, and no modern Hollywood movie would be complete without the obligatory swipe at President Bush. You see, in one very essential and enlightening moment in the film, the President requests someone get him some Ding Dongs. Hahaha...get it? The President is stupid! Only a complete dumbass eats Ding Dongs!
As a final note, the screenwriting credit goes to Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman, the same duo writing next summer's Star Trek revamp. Based on their work on Transformers, I can't wait to see what these two have in store for the other great geek-love of my life. Maybe a scene where Spock pisses on a Klingon? Or maybe Kirk is caught masturbating while listening to illegally downloaded rap music on the Enterprise. The possiblilities are endless.