**Warning: potential spoilers**
Well, I saw Transformers last night. Anybody that knows me knows how much of a fan I am. Not the typical "Hey, I had that blue tape deck guy when I was a kid" type of fan. I own hundreds of the toys from every series, from G1 to Beast Wars to Armada and even the new movie stuff. I own all the comics - the entire Marvel run, all of Dreamwave and now IDW. Transformers are to me what Superman or X-Men are to other people. They were my childhood heroes.
Even though I hate Michael Bay's movies, I defended the decision to hire him. If you want big action, he's the guy. I defended all the changes made to the look of the robots. It seemed to make sense for the sake of realism. None of the things bothering most people seemed like a big deal to me. I was determined to see this movie with the most open mind possible.
Well, the joke's on me.
You know that guy you work with or that relative of yours that likes to take your action figures and put them all in sexually suggestive poses while you're not looking? That's what this movie felt like.
When one of the "funny" moments includes one of the most loved and revered Autobots, Bumblebee, taking a piss on someone, you know you've fallen face down into the filthy, waste-encrusted gutter that is Hollywood. But the thing is, you think they would ever allow Spiderman or Batman to ever take a piss on someone? Of course not. Because it comes down to respect.... respect for the source material, and the filmmakers clearly had none. Well, unless their source material was American Pie, then I congratulate them on a job well done.
Sure, they paid a lot of lip service, and having Peter Cullen back was great and all, but when the first line out of Jazz's mouth is "What's crackin' bitches?" you have to wonder if Bay and co. even get what Transformers is about. The priority seemed to be about going for the cheap laugh and making sure the MTV crowd thought it was cool by throwing in the words "bitch" and "ho" as much as possible. (and judging by all the braying jackasses in the audience, it worked)
And if the endless string of pop culture references weren't bad enough (Haha! Optimus Prime said "ebay!"), there were countless juvenile and embarrassing sex jokes. I realize the movie was PG-13, but there's a time and a place for that stuff, and it's not in a movie based on a children's toy line. Having to sit there with my 9 year old son while the main characters openly talked about masturbation was not a pleasant experience. Once again, thank you, Hollywood, for making my job as a parent soooo much easier.
What else can be said? Some of the action was okay, but most of the time you couldn't tell who was fighting who or what the heck was going on. The Autobots were played mostly for laughs and you never got a real sense of any kind of comradarie or history between them. Even when Jazz is killed, no one mourns, Prime just holds up the remaining pieces of his body and basically says "Bummer. Jazz is dead. But hey! At least we've got some new human friends!" Oh, and no modern Hollywood movie would be complete without the obligatory swipe at President Bush. You see, in one very essential and enlightening moment in the film, the President requests someone get him some Ding Dongs. Hahaha...get it? The President is stupid! Only a complete dumbass eats Ding Dongs!
Hilarious.
As a final note, the screenwriting credit goes to Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman, the same duo writing next summer's Star Trek revamp. Based on their work on Transformers, I can't wait to see what these two have in store for the other great geek-love of my life. Maybe a scene where Spock pisses on a Klingon? Or maybe Kirk is caught masturbating while listening to illegally downloaded rap music on the Enterprise. The possiblilities are endless.
Please, please, please tell me you are joking. I think I'm going to cry already just hearing this. :(
Posted by: John Walsh | July 03, 2007 at 02:07 AM
Hahaha.. :) Yeah, I just saw the movie tonight and feel pretty much the same way you do. I'm an old school Transformers fan - probably not as hardcore as you are, but close - and about the best thing I can say about the movie is that they managed to make Bumblebee look cool.
I wish Hollywood would spend as much time on scripts, plot and character development as they do on FX and CGI.
Posted by: Grant | July 03, 2007 at 02:29 AM
Man, no one is more heart broken than me. I wanted so badly to love this movie. I will say that I loved Prime's opening and closing monologues...but that's about it.
Posted by: Josh H | July 03, 2007 at 02:29 AM
I pretty much felt the same way, but I enjoyed more of it because I expected it to be MUCH worse.
I chalk it up to Michael Bay, he cannot make an appropriate kids movie, take out the sexy chicks, take out all the curse words and don't try to get cheap laughs from the kids with potty humor involving the characters, it degrades them.
When I saw the concept of Optimus with the blue flames I knew they didn't get what the Prime of my youth was all about, he was not flashy, he was a rock to be depended on.
But I got my Transformers movie in '86, that's the one that means something to me. This one just looked really pretty.
Posted by: Benjamin Hall | July 03, 2007 at 09:27 AM
Wow, I never even knew there WERE hardcore Transformers fans! haha. But that's kinda cool to hear you (and others making comments above) talk about it. I guess it's a subculture I just missed. I owned a pile of Transformers toys back in the 80's but it wasn't a huge love of mine, more like something I tried while trying to figure out what I was gonna be "into" after the first Star Wars craze faded and they stopped making Star Wars toys. In that flailing period I bought some Transformers, got into GI Joes for a while, collected a lot of the monsters from fantasy toylines like Masters of the Universe and Dungeons and Dragons. I also went through a temporary but hardcore Voltron phase. But as time went on, I ended up just getting more deeply into my monsters and horror movies. Oh yeah and rabidly collecting comics and toys of Marvel and DC superheroes. So I certainly experienced and enjoyed the Transformers, but I guess I only qualify as one of those, "Yeah I remember those things, I loved the purple cyclops one with the laser gun arm" type of fans! Haha. Anyway, I was mildly curious about the new movie and am sorry to hear that it sucked. I know how bad that stings when a big movie comes out based on something you really love and it's all wrong and the general public, who doesn't "get it", can't understand why it's bad. Believe me, as a horror movie fan I have gone through that over and over again! Nothing like seeing your most beloved characters bastardized and trivialized. I can't believe what you said about the main characters talking openly about masturbation. What the hell is that??? What genius thought that was a good idea in a movie based on a kid's cartoon??!! That makes me feel all disturbed and uncomfortable and I'm only reading your reportage on it. I can't imagine how embarrassing that would feel sitting there next to one's innocent, wide-eyed offspring. Furthermore, I can't understand the mentality of filmmakers who put things like that, into movies like this, and subsequently create those types of squirming situations for parents with kids who the filmmakers KNOW are gonna be in the audience. As much as I revel in lowbrow material in intentionally expolitative horror and action films (Grindhouse being a good, recent example), the idea of squeezing that sort of content into children's fantasy adventure films makes me cringe.
Posted by: BryanBaugh | July 03, 2007 at 11:11 AM
I've been hearing a lot of people talk about "what makes Transformers work." I've read that phrase a dozen times in reviewing all the reviews and what intrigues me is everyone has a different answer. Giant robot battles for one, the paternal guidance of Prime for another... Bumble Bee and the boy. It appealed to so many on so many different levels.
I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it, but personally I did. Yep, there was a pee joke. And I can see how someone would want to pick this thing apart. But I'm not here to defend any of it or my enjoyment. Just to lend an opposing thought. I had fun.
Posted by: Mic | July 03, 2007 at 01:26 PM
Man Im seriously torn on this movie. I Liked it alot and hated it alot. If any of you know me you know im a sucker for big explotions, dumb humor and generally I'm the guy most of these movies are marketed for. I FREAKIN LOVED the fighting and how distructive the movie was and the general story was what i expected. I sat there with my mouth open or smiling throughout half the movie. "Don't have a heart attack Josh". That being said I was PISSED OFF about the masterbation talk and general sexuality in the movie.
Now, i have been talking about the movie with a ton of people who are like "Its PG 13" you should have known. OK I can buy that for any other movie. This aint Die Hard, THIS movie is based SOLEY on a products geared for KIDS from toys,comics,and cartoons. I wouldnt have given any thought to taking a kid to see this movie. I don't have a 8 or 9 year old kid, but i felt horrible for the 4 or 5 kids sitting in front of us as they were talking about "Jerkin it" or more pleasntly called "your happy time". That crap didnt advance any plot and could have been left out.
The movie feels completly at odds with what it wants to be. It has a slight comical kiddy robot that bounces around and seems only to be there for the little kiddos and then turns around and pisses on a guy, liturally.
Posted by: Pat Bussey | July 03, 2007 at 01:40 PM
PG-13.
If you bring a child under the age of 13 to the movie, you can not complain about the content offending you as a parent. The rating system is there for a reason. And argument "It is based on toys." does not fly with me. The rating is there. It clearly states the reasons why it was given a PG-13 if you take the time to look or ask.
Posted by: PG-13 | July 03, 2007 at 05:05 PM
That's funny. I'm 30 and thought still it was disgusting and inappropriate, regardless if my son was with me or not. Now do I have the right to complain? Good grief.
I took my son to both Revenge of the Sith and the Lord of the Rings movies, all of which are PG-13, and in my opinion acceptable for all but the smallest of children. I knew based on the history of both franchises what to expect, and that didn't include sex or mastubation references. Nothing in Transformers history tells you to expect such things either. Transformers is aimed at even younger demographics than Star Wars and in fact, they took the marketing of this movie to whole new levels, going as far as to produce Mr. Potato Head dolls and putting it all over Lunchables. I have every damn right to be pissed off as a parent.
Posted by: Josh H | July 03, 2007 at 08:42 PM
I too like most of the other posters am a bit dissapointed but still torn at the same time. I feel that this movie was on only one of two levels throughout, either it was bad-ass, intense and really great or it was down right corny, stupid and ridiculous (masturbatioin talk, pointless babble and dialouge which did nothing but add minutes). I think they did a great job handling the actual trasnformations of the transformers ESPECIALLY the scene on the highway with prime and bone crusher, when Prime transforms the amount of detail was really great, even down to the tires skidding along the road as they moved into their robot positions.
I give it a B- because I dont have the heart to grade it any lower and because I looked forward to it so so much and am just forcing myself to love it...Bumble bee stole the whole show, I felt really bad for him as they hog tied him up and then cheered and was inspired by him in his never say die attitude fighting with no legs
ah well...its hollywood...heres to hoping it makes enough money to go through with the sequal and that they make some VAST improvementsand make them happen immediatly, not 30 or 45 min in...
later
Posted by: Brian | July 03, 2007 at 10:23 PM
oh yea if I can continue just a minute I think Optimus had some really great "speeches" especially the ending and I do think in many cases those corny useless dialogues were quicklly (although only breifly) removed from my memory and replaced with a cool transformers battle or chase sequence.
Bottom line is that I am totally on the fence, 50/50. Loved it, hated it and think that they could have done a much better job with this one and hopefully will on the sequal which we can look for when....like 2010??? geez
Posted by: Brian | July 03, 2007 at 10:42 PM
I'm still trying to comprehend how a conversation about masturbation could even logically transpire in a movie about giant robots who shape-shift into cars and airplanes.
Posted by: BryanBaugh | July 04, 2007 at 01:22 AM
Ouch, those ARE some 'awful' examples (not saying the examples are awful, but that those are some terrible stuff in the movie I wasn't aware of and totally unexpected from what I at least thought a movie about Transformers should be).
Posted by: Questworld | July 04, 2007 at 04:51 AM
"I took my son to both Revenge of the Sith and the Lord of the Rings movies, all of which are PG-13, and in my opinion acceptable for all but the smallest of children."
So "intense epic battle sequences and frightening images" and "sci-fi violence and some intense images" are appropriate for all but the smallest children? Especially when said images include dismemberment, burning to death, and god knows how many other ways people meet their demise. All just because there are toys made to promote the movies?
And if you are 30, goto a PG-13 movie, and are offended by some jerking-off jokes... well, that is your problem. But you can not take your kids to a PG-13 movie if they are underage, have them see that in the movie, and then claim foul.
"I knew based on the history of both franchises what to expect, and that didn't include sex or mastubation references. Nothing in Transformers history tells you to expect such things either."
Title: Transformers (2007)
Rating: PG-13
Rating Reason: Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, brief sexual humor, and language.
Next time I suggest you check the reasons for the rating.
Posted by: PG-13 | July 04, 2007 at 07:54 PM
Yeah, Hasbro and the filmmakers bear absolutely no responsibility. Give me a freakin' break. Have you been to the toy aisle of Wal Mart? Probably not, because I kind of doubt you have kids. There are kids' storybooks, coloring books, stuffed dolls, kid's t-shirts, kids's underwear, toothbrushes, shampoo bottles, etc. Pull your head out, man.
I'm not offended by jerking off jokes. I just think they're stupid and unfunny, especially in a movie like Transformers where they DON'T BELONG.
Brief sexual humor?? Let's see, theres': a semen joke, a comment about "riding" a girl, several references to Sam's secret porn stash, the masturbation scene, Ratchet commenting that Sam wanted to "mate with the human female," Anthony Anderson screaming about being a virgin, grandma flipping the bird...and that's just the one's I can think of off the top of my head. Brief? Hardly. The movie was laden with it.
Besides, my chief complaint isn't the fact that it's not suitable for kids. I am pissed off about all that stuff separate from my having kids. My chief complaint is that all that crap was inappropriate, unnecessary, and unfunny and it's obvious the filmmakers didn't take Transformers seriously.
Posted by: Josh H | July 05, 2007 at 12:58 AM
You are correct. I have not seen the toy aisle at Wal Mart. And you know why? Because it is WAL MART!!! Avoiding the den of the lower gene pool is high on the list of my personal preferences.
As for Hasbro marketing one of their major properties with new toy lines, there is nothing wrong with that. And there is nothing to say parents who buy their kids those toys must take them to see the movie. Matter of fact, as a comic book artist, you have probably been to many conventions. And you know for a fact the real target costumer for Hasbro is not the younger kids, but the 18-35 males who will collect the figures.
And as for t-shirts, underwear, etc. If you want to make that your point, then I say get rid of all the professional sports merchandise for kids as well. Because that is pushed on kids much more than Transformers will ever be. And all one has to do is look at the sports page in the daily newspaper to see enough talk about sex and violence to put any action movie to shame.
And last but not least, I believe the producers and director Michael Bay did take Transformers seriously in the way it matter most. They brought the Transformers to life on screen in a way that has not garnered such a positive reaction since the original Jurassic Park.
So next time you get dressed up in your buckle shoes and stove-top hat, just remember that there are G rated films out there without any of the nasty sex humor that offends you so much. :P
Posted by: PG-13 | July 05, 2007 at 02:11 PM
What REALLY bakes my noodle is that they did get a lot of things right, they did a lot of things good, but they went ahead and destroyed all of that with the crap they filled the rest of the movie with. This could have been awesome. This could have been incredible. And I really feel jerked around.
Posted by: John Walsh | July 05, 2007 at 02:45 PM
"You are correct. I have not seen the toy aisle at Wal Mart. And you know why? Because it is WAL MART!!! Avoiding the den of the lower gene pool is high on the list of my personal preferences."
This coming from a guy who loved a movie featuring pissing robots.
"And you know for a fact the real target costumer for Hasbro is not the younger kids, but the 18-35 males who will collect the figures."
Complete 100% bullcrap. Kids are overwhelmingly their bread and butter. Collector segment is a only a tiny portion of their audience. That's why Transformers: Armada, which was largely hated by adult fans, is credited with jump-starting the franchise again - because kids dug it.
"And as for t-shirts, underwear, etc. If you want to make that your point, then I say get rid of all the professional sports merchandise for kids as well. Because that is pushed on kids much more than Transformers will ever be."
Huh?
"And last but not least, I believe the producers and director Michael Bay did take Transformers seriously in the way it matter most. They brought the Transformers to life on screen in a way that has not garnered such a positive reaction since the original Jurassic Park."
Transformers wishes it could be Jurassic park. And I think it's funny that you're using the public's supposed positive reaction as one of your supporting arguments. You keep driving home the point that you generally despise whatever the "masses" enjoy (Wal Mart, sports, etc).
"So next time you get dressed up in your buckle shoes and stove-top hat, just remember that there are G rated films out there without any of the nasty sex humor that offends you so much."
Once again, when did I say I was offended? I think it's STUPID and UNNCECESSARY in this film! It’s made to appeal to the lowest common denominator ... you know, like you and your friends at Wal-Mart.
Posted by: Josh H | July 05, 2007 at 03:22 PM
Okay, first off, I am a Transformer fan. I watched old series, and the new ones too. I am a teenager, so I thought it would be fine too see this movie. In my opinion, all of you are correct in some ways. This movie was inappropriate for kids, and maybe parents should have paid more attention to the rating, but that's not the point. I know its a big disappointment to some people, but I find that If you just view it as a movie with the name "Transformers", you'll find it more enjoyable than expecting it to be just like the series.
Posted by: LinkDude | July 06, 2007 at 07:05 PM
I have to agree with Josh, what the crap was that? It's like in the middle of a cool movie, they put a trailer for the next American Pie movie. Not only is that lame, now 80% of the parents taking their kids have to dance around a topic that has no place in a movie for kids. I guess the put it in there to get the 15-20 year old crowd. You know what would get the 15-20 year old crowd? GIANT FIGHTING ROBOTS! Instead they pulled in the lowest common denominator (like our esteemed 'friend' PG-13 here) who seem to think that crap is funny.
Another beef I had, we finally get to the fight between the two biggest and baddest Transformers and, oh, let's just don't show it. Let's just leave that to the imagination. We'll put a punch or two in the background though, but if we don't show anything, we'll save another 100 billion dollars. What a crock. Optimus has this cool sword he uses to kill Bonecrusher, but he doesn't use it against Megatron? I call BS on that. It felt like they were just trying to meet a deadline/budget.
Posted by: Scott Z | July 07, 2007 at 08:59 AM
I saw this movie when it first came out and i have to tell ya it was awsome. On thing that i thought should have happened was to tone down the swareing, just a little. But other than that it was great. If anyone knows about what happened to scorponok at the end please post about it.
Posted by: Ryanrocco | July 07, 2007 at 09:32 AM
I stayed till the end of the credits, there wasn't any more footage about Scorponok.
Posted by: Scott Z | July 07, 2007 at 11:04 AM
During the desert battle scene scorponok got the end of his tail shot off and burrowed into the sand. Could he still be alive?
Posted by: Ryanrocco | July 07, 2007 at 11:20 AM
I have been reading through these comments and I am flabbergasted. Can all of you be for real?
This is a film BASED on the Transformers- yes a cartoon and action figure toy conclomerate that was alive and thriving almost 20 or so years ago. Therefore, the major fans of Transformers have all grown up. I believe the film was made for them with that expectation, and so being, they could handle a little honest interaction between parents and their teenage son. Correct if I am wrong but Spike, who became Sam in the movie, had to be at least 16 when the original Transformers came about- as he was old enough to drive Bumblebee. Therefore one might expect a little more mature subject matter when the main human character was closer to being an adult than a sippy cup holder. If you want to dislike the movie- dislike it- but your reasons for picking it apart are puritanical, insipid, uninspired and whiny. Besides- who says comics, cartoons and action figures are just for kids? Grown ups make the money and they buy them and collect them way more than the kids trying to save up their allowances. Also comics and cartoons and animation are rife with innuendo on all levels- always have been. This canon I speak of includes Disney films- there is always something in there to keep the adults interested or guessing as they watch it for the millionth time with their child- whose head it goes over entirely and they grow up just fine. I thought the film was entertaining especially for the constraints hollywood films have in regards to advertising and pleasing a panel and mass producing. If one wants an art film experience- perhaps one should go to an art house and support the independants. Or, better yet- if you can do it better- DO IT. The world can handle as many film makers as it can find. Though I shudder at the one hundred percent homogenized scripts you may put forth- goodness forbid an opportunity to teach a child a healthy respect and outlook for their body- and "Oh No!" we mustn't speak of masturbation, an innate act...oh my Lions and Tigers and Bears!!! If you were a fan of the Transformers when you were a single digit human and were hoping for a nostalgic romp to that time- go get your action figures and sit in your driveway and recreate it for yourself. Did you smirk and say how stupid I was for saying that? Good, maybe now you can start to realize that there is no going back- only forward. Hope you can endure.
Posted by: Seriously? | July 07, 2007 at 01:45 PM
The toy line for the Transformers movie is o.k. Optimus is pretty cool as well as blackout, scorponok, jazz, and baracade. The bumblebee toy isn't that great, and lacks many features that the other figures have.
Posted by: Ryanrocco | July 07, 2007 at 02:30 PM